Lucifer’s L

My last few weeks have been very revealing. Scratching crusty scales from my orbitals every.single.morning ANGERS me. I’m so sore. Too beat down from left and right hooks to the chin. I feel defeated.

I stretch and groan to start my brain. Shame and confusion shroud me.

I begin my day with a shrug.

Scowl in the brightness of my reflection.

Pores all open.

Hyper-pigmentation and shit.

I make sure to thank God with breath, and not just a thought, or a murmur in my chest.

And yet,

My soul is churned in fire.

Staying positive has been a constant battle.  I electric slide on the scale from reality to faithfulness- feeling bipolar as hell. It’s a particular emptiness that accompanies the lost. Tipping through the wilderness with no time (or money) to spare. Everything my eyes land on seems relative. At any moment, I anticipate tragedy- something to make it make sense.

I’ve cried more than I ever have. I’ve felt alive through getting in touch with my feelings. It’s scary but more promising than standing tall behind my brick wall. I can’t go anywhere! I’m in my own way. Breaking it down bit by bit has allowed warmth to peak through. Wisdom and understanding are in bloom. I’m doling out patience like pulled teeth. The feeling’s taboo, but it must be done. God does not reward the prideful. Animosity crumbles with the red rock.

The newness of each long day brings both fear and relief. A dichotomy of madness….