Sunday Vibez.

Usually I read the Bible when I can’t sleep. Today I tried my very hardest to remember that scripture in Matthhewwww? The one about putting God first? [Insert Brain Blast] “…And all these things shall come unto you.” “Put none before the Lor-” ..No that’s not it. Hmm..why don’t I know this? Since my mind hasn’t been on God, I wondered what I have been thinking about. “You need a man. You doing it all wrong. You’re never gonna make it at this rate.” One of my (dare I say it) INSECURITIES is being single. I had a friend who would point out all the flaws of my existence. As if to exist the way I be ain’t no good way tuh live. Chiefly, not having a man prevents woman from succeeding. It makes woman struggle more than what is necessary. The constant reminder of what and why I’m not just made me feel like there was a buzzing green neon sign pointing at me everywhere I went. “SINGLE”. “TALL”. “SHE’LL LET YOU HIT”. “LONELY AND SMART”. “JACKPOT”. Do I read easily? Do I reek of desperation and guilt? Do I look lost? I feel like everybody can tell what a special case I am from just looking at me. Alone.

Lately, I’ve taken pleasure in being alone. Pondering things like miracles and the context of the Bible. Circling miles of text to lead me to sleep. Wanting more but unsure how to get it. What “it” is. Today I confessed aloud that what I want is never good for me. Like a baby. Just don’t know any better than to weather. Take cover from abuse, neglect, disrespect. Brace for lack of embrace, warmth, humility. Is survival not a good enough skill? I haven’t earned my right to exist in the same space? We can’t be in the same room because I pay a lot for mine & I’m trying to be here as often as possible.

I ponder mix and mingle. I ponder $10 entry fees. Is that tow truck here for me? In all these things, I’m not lonely. Just alone. Should I crave sex like so many seem to? Every song on the radio is about sex. Everybody’s doing it. I think. I should want it! It’s healthy for me! I fight off dads and boyfriends and boo thangs everyday craving sex. What’s wrong with them? Have they no shame? Have they no soul? I just really can’t get wit it. There’s an incomprehensible number of men on this Earth. It’s kind of insane that I haven’t met ONE that I like. They’re all so boring. And they all really do only want one thing. Show me a booty model that ain’t paid. I’d love to meet a guy who I feel comfortable with, but I think that’s a fairytale. I think Imma let that dream go, and make room for some new ones. Sex ain’t never been that big of a deal in my eyes. I’ve never aimed to achieve anything related to sex. I have, however, been eager to work to get straight A’s, “In all things acknowled- Seek ye first..the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and these things shall be added unto you.” Finally got it.