IDK.

I don’t know what to do, & I’m okay with that.

Well, I thought I was. But I definitely am! Maybe I should be more realistic. Nah, I’m gonna trust that voice inside.

BUT WHAT IF IT’S WRONG!!!???!

I have no idea what to do after graduation. Where am I gone go? What am I gone do?? My lease doesn’t end until the end of August, so I gotta keep paying that….I’m working less so maybe I should look for a paid internship. Next semester is looming & scary & exciting all at the same time cause Lord knows I’m tired of school. Especially since I now know that college is a CHOICE?? Aw nah I’m doooneee after this. I gotta get out this safety boat to be able to live with my decision. I might go to film school ONE DAY, but def not anytime soon. I keep meeting these “what if’s” with no Steve Harvey to tell me what to do about them. The Bible is complicated & confusing & it seems like the answers are buried deep. But not really bc I always remember “Trust God.”

Talk about a conflict.

Said I was gone write a self help book but what the hell do I know??? I now realize I downplayed myself when I talked to Rheji Burrell & the devil heard it. He heard me doubt my art loud & clear, & now he’s waiting for me to doubt myself. But that won’t happen-my ego too big.

I haven’t put the book together because I’m waiting on something spectacular to happen. Now I know the meaning of that song “Waiting on the World to Change”. If I worked for myself, I wouldn’t mind putting in the time. Homework is working for my teachers so I do that begrudgingly. If I were doing it for me, I’d have my degree a long time ago. Like this summer when I wanted to drop out. I knew better but also knew it was my choice & nobody could stop me. The unseen side is that nobody can START me, either.

I think about those corny college boys that might be reading this. The ones who take themselves soooo seriously. They scare me a little bit. They seem like a shell of a man they hope to grow to be. Those Instagram famous young entrepreneurs who you can’t really tell exactly what it is they do, but they seem super serious & goal oriented. I fear they are not the losers. I fear that they will achieve everything & have gorgeous wives who are also goal-oriented. & then there’s me. Everybody enjoys my presence but no one knows how I got there. I make it my business to stay unboring. Plus, everybody loves a Libra so I can’t help myself. But, I’m not the funny lady working the front desk at the warehouse. I’m the interpreter of all things feelings & the scribe. I lay awake some nights & write write write. Now why let all that go to waste? An expensive promo tour ain’t gonna make me message any more real. I have a lot to say & I believe in my dream. I believe in MY dream. I believe. In my dreams. “I” believe In my dream. I believe in my dreams.

Nothing spectacular is going to happen. I’ll let y’all know when I find some glitter in the forest beneath a white rose. Or a unicorn in a universe of lollipops & Starburst candy. My spectacular came with the orange moon. It comes each day with a repeating number on the clock. I must continue to struggle to remind myself to cross over. Get on over that fence, J. The grass is waiting. I’m sure it will be fine.