Track Star
Written: 7/10/2021
I been jumping hurdles all my life. Over-stimulating my mind for the sake of determination. I’ve been so obsessed with the idea of a successful life, that an abundant life never had a chance to occupy my mind. This powerful revelation came to me as I was brushing my teeth moments ago. I remember making a decision about something and caught myself thinking into overdrive. I had leaned over the sink, shoulders hunched, jaw clenched, and skull super tight. A pressurized cannon.
Gently, I put my toothbrush down. Relaxed my shoulders and stood back up. Exhaling. Intentionally, slowly.
In that solution alone, I had demonstrated forgiveness of myself. I used to call those intense moments “malfunctions”. Through wise mentorship and the will to breathe, I traded that description for emotion. What in the world was I emotional about? And then it came! The answer came! The emotion so deeply rooted in my psyche was fear. Brushing my teeth in the bathroom triggered trauma. Somewhere in my body, I was still living in Chicago with my drunk a*s father enraged and beating on the door. In my present reality, I was reenacting the trauma responses. Pile driving my conscious mind with the “Do It At All Cost” spirit was effective in hurdling the initial fear, so I could blast through the tunnel of threats until I arrived at my duty station to perform whatever he insisted- perfectly. In that way, motivation developed.
So, I can now compartmentalize that part of my being. Strongly my old self, yet still the developing me.
The hurdle-jumping I’ve now realized makes me wonder just how much fear my accomplished self has stored away? How much repressed fear, because of the fear of it, lurks in my midst? My thought processes have been driven by this method of unintentional coping in the face of large goals. It’s as if my body is already mourning, and my conscience is trying to stop it. And I’m left with an abundance of energy in my information center, with no place to escape. I am not belittled at the anger I’ve been feeling lately trying to get this stuff outta me. My emotions used to scare me. I was unfamiliar with the feeling of feeling. My existence for many years was a survival safari. I’ve twisted my way through the expanse of predatory spirits. Those ever-annoying stupid people whose insults haunt and torment for years. The ones who hurt me real good. How now, do I move my etched self-image through the river of emotions safely? I truly don’t know how much more of this self discovery I can take. As much as I want to blossom, I don’t want to remember anything else. I don’t want to put energy into “fixing” anything else!! I just want to be, while I want to improve. And I can’t keep going at this rate. Killing myself under pressure.