Black Girl Blues.

2020/10/05 at 2:44 pm

Sis, I got the blues. I’m soul tied to a woman I don’t wanna be. I shake my head, shaking even that thought off…

“There’s a shift happening” is the positive take I could take. But no… *shake shake shake*

I’m committing to myself in this season, and I don’t always like what I see. So I try to shake her off but it keeps coming back. Night after night.

The ghosts of what if’s and maybe’s plant their little ghost baby eggs in my ear while I’m asleep and unguarded. They hatch into full grown fears by morning, and I drag through the eggshells to the starting line.

From my bathroom mirror, I decide if I want to indulge the narcissist in my life in a too-damn-early convo about my feelings. The vulnerability of my underwoke mind drives defensiveness from the starting line. The way my life is set up sets the tone for a very sad existence. Tragic even to the naked eye.

The particular type of blues I’m feeling is a deep wound my DNA adapted to carry. The energies of the Jim Crow era’s limitations on black excellence permeate generations later. The domineering attitude of the narcissist in my life was shaped by their American Nightmare. The emptiness of even the theory of an American Dream being applicable to black men permeates generations later. The narcissist in my life overcompensates to fill this void. The narcissist (in my life) likes their voice heard and their wounds felt. They relish in the way big people become small at the command of their bitter tongue. Misery dwells in their mitochondria, generating powerful and eviscerating  plots.

These blues is rooted in a state of constant grief for the lost soul I could have experienced. I long for a less mediocre version of this slimy thing I’ve been cursed with. My heart wails when I’m crying because I know what I don’t deserve to receive. I know what feels good, and I want to feel good.

The biggest challenge is fighting the feeling of being boxed in, and all the character flaws that suddenly reveal themselves when I step (or fall) into the narcissist’s sneaky trap. I am saddened overall at the rain.