1/2, One Half.
The way the world looks to me these days is alarming. Scary. So different from how it used to be when I was just “going to college”. I don’t want to leave the nest just yet. I’m enjoying the fuck up space. I’m enjoying the nesting I have in being a college kid.
I think of life after college & I just can’t stand the thought of the typical black & white. “Network”. “Resume”. “Cover Letter” (although I do write a bomb ass cover letter). “Send emails” “Do follow ups” “Visit the career center”… Blah blah. I want to do what I love.. Writing poetry.
I had to keep it real with that lady at the dentist office that day. When I spit “TheBoy.” (Watch here: https://youtu.be/NpBV6Fe5ukw) right there in the waiting room. And their faces. The looks I live for. I feel like I’m reading their minds in a way. Or just telling them what they would never say. I love the things that give me perspective. God gives me great talent to work with. I do not want to work in corporate America. & here I am.. Back in Raleigh again. -For another damn year of college. I feel like three years at peace is enough for me. Hell, I was ready to leave after year one. I was prepared after year two. This year, I don’t got time for the bullshit. My mind is not on school…
It’s on boys.. sex.. cars..ghostwriting.. The life I dream of is right out of my grasp. I feel like I don’t know what to do. But hell how should I?? I have no idea how Dej Loaf went about getting her music into the right hands. My jealousy sets in when I realize I can still be myself but dammit I don’t have my success!! I want Breakfast Club & Wendy Williams & damn sure Oprah. If she even cares.. :-/
I’m kinda scared bc I don’t know what to do.. I don’t know what to do when [this temp job] ends & what to do from the day of graduation moving forward. I hate Peace. Some of their policies are just ridiculous. Like seniors taking finals. For the fuck what?? Ugh. I’m just seriously not looking forward to the same old bullshit. Rush to fucking class.. Papers.. Lectures.. Tests.. HOMEWORK. Goooodddd.. & I still have to finish accounting. I’m so goddamn tired of this degree all damn ready. It’s like I’ve done the college thing. Now what? I want my career. I want people to be feeling my words.. My shit is real.
God, please give me the strength to not drop out this semester or the next. It’s always harder at the finish line, you know that Mocha. Please, get over yourself…..
Now. That was left brain. You see what a tiny section she got? ‘Cause that half ain’t got sense enough to know that she’s a star trapped in a wanderer’s body…
*Written Nov. 3, 2016